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The top 50 worst Christmas cracker jokes ever

1. Who hides in a bakery at Christmas? A mince spy

2. What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? A Christmas quacker

3. What’s a horse’s favourite TV show? Neigh-bours

4. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick

5. Why do birds fly south in the winter? It’s too far to walk

6. What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsillitis

7. What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive? “One day my prints will come!”

8. Did Rudolph go to school? No, he was elf-taught

9. What lies at the bottom of the sea shivering? A nervous wreck

10. Who is Santa’s favourite singer? Elfis Presley

11. What did Adam say the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve.

12. How many letters are in the alphabet at Christmas? 25 – there’s no-el

13. Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting? Because they always drop their needles

14. What did the farmer get for Christmas? A cowculator

15. Why did nobody bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? They were two deer

16. What did one snowman say to the other snowman? “Can you smell carrots?”

17. Why can’t a bike stand up by itself? It’s two-tyred

18. What school subject are snakes best at? Hisssstory

19. What do you get if you lie under a cow? A pat on the head

20. How did Mary and Joseph figure out baby Jesus was exactly 7lb 9oz? They had a weigh in a manger

21. Which side of a turkey has the most feathers? The outside

22. What carol do they sing in the desert? O Camel Ye Faithful

23. What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time to get a new fence

24. What do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow

25. What happened to Santa when he went speed dating? He pulled a cracker

26. Who’s Rudolph’s favourite singer? Beyon-sleigh

27. Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws

28. What athlete is warmest in winter? A long jumper

29. What’s the most popular Christmas wine? “I don’t like sprouts!”

30. What does a frog do if his car breaks down? He has it toad

31. Why does your nose get tired in winter? It runs all day

32. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite

33. What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut? A barber-queue

34. What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap

35. What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson

36. Why was the turkey in a band? He was the only one with drumsticks

37. What do reindeer put on their Christmas trees? Hornaments

38. What happened to the man who stole an Advent calendar? He got 25 days

39. What does Santa do when his elves misbehave? He gives them the sack

40. What happened when Santa got stuck in a chimney? He felt Claus-trophobic

41. What has four wheels and flies? A bin lorry

42. How do snowmen get around? By riding an icicle

43. How did Scrooge win the football match? The ghost of Christmas passed

44. Why is it getting so hard to buy Advent calendars? Their days are numbered

45. Why was Cinderella no good at football? Because her coach was a pumpkin

46. How does Darth Vader like his Christmas turkey? On the dark side

47. What do snowmen wear on their heads? Ice caps

48. When do vampires like horse racing? When it’s neck and neck

49. How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he’s visited? He keeps a logbook

50. What does a football team do when the pitch is flooded? Bring on the subs